It’s Time to “Take Back and Own” Your Elderhood
How did you react when you received your AARP card just before your fiftieth birthday?
Were you:
- Surprised and shocked.
- Flattered
- Excited
- Ambivalent
- Pissed
Surprised? We probably don’t want to know how much they know about us.
Flattered? Just a thought – you might want to raise the bar.
Excited? You love those weekly Bed Bath and Beyond 20% discount coupons also, don’t you?
Ambivalent? Good choice.
Pissed? Good –I’m not alone.
In one trip to the mailbox, I was slammed, culturally and without my permission, into an insulting, miscast category entitled “elderly”.
I refuse to contribute to this insurance-company-in-disguise.
Yes, it defies all logic that I would pass up a 12% discount on ParkRideFly USA airport parking. Or a 15% discount on Philip Lifeline medical alert service or save on an eye exam at Lenscrafters.
But, I’m sorry. I just haven’t gotten over the insult that arrived twenty-eight years ago with that AARP letter.
I guess that kinda makes me seem like one of those grumpy, crass, hard-headed ol’ farts I swore I’d never become.
I’m working on fixing that.
So it was that when I got a mere one chapter into Chip Conley’s new book “Wisdom at Work” (reference my 10/21/19 article) that I got affirmation that my resistance to that premature elderly tag will have served me well.
If you’ve been hanging around my weekly diatribes for a while, you’ve no doubt detected that I seem to have a new hero every week or so. Well, this week – and I think for a good while longer – it’s Chip Conley.
I wrote two weeks ago about his Modern Elder Academy, a “boutique resort for midlife learning and reflection” and his coining of a new cultural portal he labeled “middlescence”.
My intrigue with his inventiveness motivated me to Amazon Prime his book and dig in.
So glad I did.
I didn’t need to go past Chapter 1 to know that Conley’s is a voice and message that needs to be heard – across generations. He is saying so much more eloquently and authoritatively what I’ve been waltzing and bumbling around with for most of my two years with this blog.
At the heart is the message that it’s time to:
“liberate the ‘elder’ from the word ‘elderly’. ‘Elderly’ refers solely to years lived on the planet. ‘Elder’ refers to what one has done with those years. Many people age without synthesizing wisdom from their experience. But elders reflect on what they’ve learned and incorporate it into the legacy they offer younger generations. The elderly are older and often dependent upon society and, yet, separated from the young.”
Conley reminds us that the average age of someone moving into a nursing home is eighty-one vs sixty-five in the 1950s and that this leaves a lot of people not yet elderly but as elders.
He encourages us to “take back the term elder” and own it as a modern definition of someone with great wisdom especially at a time we need it.
I loved this choice of words:
“Let’s make it a ‘hood’ that’s not scary. Just as a child stares into adulthood with intrigue, wouldn’t it be miraculous if an adult peered into elderhood with excitement?”
Count for me how many, amongst your family, friends, acquaintances, co-workers, that you think will “peer into elderhood with excitement”. I’m guessing you didn’t need the fingers on both hands.
While you are at it, count up the number of millennials and GenX’ers you know (if you know any at all) that are excited about the same thing i.e. about us being anything more than irrelevant “elderlies.” Even fewer fingers, right?
Conley brings a different but refreshing, evidence-based perspective on how and why this all can change; on how generativity can close the gap; on how we need those digi-head millenials as much as they need us wisdom keepers.
It’s time for you and me to become more intentional about our “wisdom worker status” and to redefine our third-age as one of “mature idealism.”
Consider Conley’s perspective on this:
“For many of us, the baseball game of our career will likely go into extra innings. So maybe it’s time to get excited about the fact that most sporting matches get more interesting in the last half or quarter. By the same token, theatergoers sit on the edge of their seat during the last act of a play when everything finally starts to makes sense. And marathon runners get an endorphin high as they reach the final miles of their event. Could it be that life gets more interesting, not less, closer to the end?”
I’ll wrap with these two powerful quotes from the first chapter of Conley’s book.
“If you can cause maturity to become aspirational again, you’ve changed the world”. Ken Dychtwald, Age Wave
“In spite of illness, in spite even of the arch-enemy, sorrow, one can remain alive long past the usual date of disintegration if one is unafraid of change, insatiable in intellectual curiosity, interested in big things, and happy in small ways.” Edith Wharton
Anybody up for joining this “elder revolution” and become Modern Elders? There’s a lot of room.
Gary, your writing just gets better and better. You’ve never settled on one cadence. I love the variety. Kudos! My input is around “mature idealism.” For myself, I’m choosing “mature actualization.” I was idealistic when I was younger. I’m using my senior years to go inward, establish what is true, and plant a flag around activities that support my truth. This is past idealism, and for me, requires commitment to my truth in purposeful action. Idealism strikes me as fanciful, which I was, but no more. This is where we may meet younger generations. In meaningful activities that reflect our truth or the quest thereof.
Thanks for your comment Robbie. I hope you know that I appreciate our conversations and your perspective on things, especially as you experience this transformation. I’m also inspired by how you write – it challenges me to get better.
I like the wisdom worker role. That’s what I’m striving for.
Interestingly, recently I have figured out that my best connections around topics important to me are with 30 and 40 year olds.
Your article clarifies those connections.
Thank you. pat
You are already a wisdom worker in my book. I can see you relating extremely well with those 30- and 40-something nurses. They need you – you need each other.
Hi Gary, I like Chip Conley’s stuff as much as you do and he encourages me very much. However, I have a concern with his work. HIs focus is on folks who are still in middle age, even though he uses the term “elder.” He isn’t yet 60 and his audience is generally much younger than I am (73). I think it is super that folks in their 50s and early 60s get the message about elderhood, yet wonder if we are missing others who could benefit from the message as much or more? I am referring to the genuinely old. Louise Aronson, a Gerontologist, has a very thought provoking new book entitled “Elderhood.” She deals with folks daily who are in their third and fourth phases of life. She breaks out ages 40-60 as middle aged, 60 begins Senior, 70 begins Old, 80 begins Elderly, 90 begins Aged She forces us, based on her experience to make a place for folks who really get up there in age and 90 year olds are not 60 year olds no matter how well folks age. Yet the message(s) of successful aging become even more important for life quality as the years add up. We are going to have a bunch more Centenarians very soon and they have unique needs and opportunities. Since you and I are both in Aronson’s “Old” category and chasing “Elderly” I am putting my focus on the folks from my age and older. Few are really focused on helping them successfully age. I am doing this to consciously challenge my on historic bias that younger is better, which is false. Chip can and should apply his messages to late mid-lifers and I’ll apply them to those 75 plus years old. Modern Elders rule.
Thanks Roger. I really hadn’t thought of that as I’ve read the book but I see your point. Ms. Aronson slotting me into “elderly” at 80 doesn’t feel good so I may go into denial when I get there in 2 1/2 years – just like the “denial” I’m in now at 77. Denial has been working for me so far. Thanks for continuing to plug in.
Based on your insightful book review Gary I went and bought Chip’s new book on amazon as a digital download I look forward to reading his book on how I as an educator can transit into my role as a “coach” a mentor to young people as they navigate their way through society. Thank you for the book review.
Hey Phil, I’m glad you are investing in the book. I’m still only 2/3 through it, but find Conley has amazing insight into using his experience, network, extensive reading and wisdom to help younger people at AirBnB. I think the book will help add yet another dimension to your already effective mentoring.
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