The Size of Your Funeral Gathering Will Be Determined By the Weather. Whaaaat?

I remember how that quote rocked my world a few decades ago when I first read it in my mid-50s. I was in that life phase characteristic of most American males where there is this sinking realization there are more yesterdays than tomorrows and the “is-this-all-there-is” questions start surfacing. 

Am I relevant?

Will I ever be relevant?

What is relevant?

Does anyone care that I’m here? (News flash: Most don’t!)

You would think that by 45 or 50 or 55 that we would have most things about life figured out. But, we don’t. We’ve been too busy being heads-down, meeting cultural expectations.

Maybe the timing of this speed bump is built into the male genetic arrangement. Women don’t seem to bother with it so much. More likely, it’s because we’ve pulled up short of the cultural goalposts expected at that age – image, title, boys toys, neighborhood, retirement account, etc.

And there is that sinking feeling that there isn’t enough time or enough gas left in the tank to catch up.

 

The hour-long funeral procession

Coming across this quote reminded me of an experience I had nine years ago. I was doing my recruiting thing ensconced in my 9th-floor office in a building that overlooked one of Denver’s busiest east-west thoroughfares. I was on the phone with a candidate when I heard the “woop-woop” of a police siren. I looked out my corner window and saw a group of motorcycle policemen blocking off intersections ahead of a funeral procession.

From my perch, I could see a couple of dozen cars behind the hearse winding around a curve a few blocks away. I thought nothing of it and turned back to my phone call which continued for another 15 minutes or so. As I hung up, I glanced again down to the street and saw the funeral procession continuing to steadily stream by with the trail of cars still disappearing around the curve.

I remember thinking that there must have been some dignitary that passed but I hadn’t heard or read of any.

I turned back to the paperwork on my desk and stood up a full 30 minutes later to discover the funeral procession still streaming by.

Over an hour passed before the last car and trailing motorcycle cop passed.

As far as I knew, the governor was still alive, as was the mayor. And I hadn’t heard of the passing of any mega-church pastors. Or any Broncos/Rockies/Nuggets/Avalanche sports heroes. Or any of our small collection of Colorado billionaires.

Who was this person?

I still don’t know. The obits revealed nothing out of the ordinary.

This much I know – –

It was a sunny, warm spring day. But good weather didn’t explain this procession. This person, whoever he or she was, had touched a lot of people in a positive way.

This had “silent hero” written all over it.

The event has stuck with me and is a constant reminder that it’s the “internal” and not the “external” and the “give” and not the “get” that ultimately counts.

That’s a hard part of this mid-life transition for many. It’s a point where some of the hardest career and life decisions are made. I’ve written before about the “happiness curve” and the research that has revealed that age 47, on average, is the low point of happiness for most men.

Having been there personally and listened to lots of stories from folks at this stage, I’ll offer up a few thoughts on what one should know or begin to discover at this phase of the life span.

  • You should know if your life quest is aligned with your core essence. By age 45 – 55, you should feel, at the gut level, that you are, or are not, doing what you were designed to do. For most of us, our decisions up to this point have been largely driven by cultural influences and not by recognition and acknowledgment of our deepest talents, strengths, and dreams. It’s important to take seriously those aforementioned questions that are starting to dog us. They are a sign that there may be a misalignment that, if not acted on, could carry us into a second-half full of discontent and the negative biological consequences that can accompany the discontent.
  • You are now on the “back nine” and don’t get to do the “front nine” over. I love the golf analogy. I borrowed it from pioneer exercise physiologist Dan Zeman (see this article) Dan is on a life quest to raise awareness amongst male boomers of the health and wellness impact of decisions made in the back-nine or second half of life, reminding us that we don’t get to play our front nine over. There is a good chance, as Americans, that our “front nine” didn’t do us any favors, physically and emotionally. More than likely, we have coupled the stress of striving to accumulate and meet cultural expectations with a relatively unhealthy lifestyle of poor diet and immobility in a quest for convenience, comfort, and conformity.

We don’t have to look far for proof of the significance of marginal “front nine” decisions. The “happiness curve” seems to confirm that the mid-40s is a point where “turning point” decisions need to be made as one heads into the “back nine.” It’s also a time when the accumulated effects of poor “front nine” lifestyle decisions begin to manifest in the form of health issues. Most of us enter our mid-40s in pretty good shape but beginning to demonstrate signs that a downturn is underway that needs attention. Most common are weight gain, hypertension, increased cholesterol, arthritis, anxiety/depression.

The CDC has announced that over 60% of American males are overweight and 25% are obese. Nearly 70% of the American population is pre-diabetic and 50% don’t know it. This age and later is when all this begins to show up. That alone is a call to action at this point in life.

A few other things come to mind that we should know if we don’t already:

  • Things are rarely as good or as bad as they seem. Most anxiety is self-inflicted.
  • Most of the things we worry about are out of our control. (Reference the Serenity Prayer as a guide).
  • Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery. The treasure is in today and doing what’s important to you. Today is all we have.
  • We will rise to the level of the five people we hang out with the most. It behooves us to be careful of our relationships and not be afraid to glean.
  • Our potential in life is limited not by the external but the internal. Live internally and accept that you are gifted in a special way. Don’t let our culture take it away from you.

It’s possible, as medicine and the biosciences continue to advance and we learn more about self-care, that 45-55 may not even be life’s true mid-point (more on this in a future article).  We can seize the opportunity and couple our inborn talents with accumulated life experiences, skills, and knowledge to virtually explode into your second half, be a world-changer, and have the time to do it.

The only thing holding us back is what we allow to happen between our temples.

Maybe the visual of that hour-long funeral procession will help.

64 replies
  1. David says:

    Very well written, with many nuggets of wisdom, even as I turned 72 last week! The bullet list really hits the mark, as I continually push through my own doubts. Thanks for this.

    Reply
    • Gary says:

      You’re welcome – I’m glad you found some value in this article. I like your phrase “push through my own doubts”. It’s a daily struggle, isn’t it? I relate to your challenge. It’s tough to take it one day at a time and get out of our own way.

      Reply
  3. Reid Stone says:

    Great post as always Gary! Of the many excellent points you made, this one stands out to me: “The event has stuck with me and is a constant reminder that it’s the “internal” and not the “external” and the “give” and not the “get” that ultimately counts. That’s a hard part of this mid-life transition for many. It’s a point where some of the hardest career and life decisions are made.”

    Figuring out what brings us purpose and joy can be difficult but we still have a lot of time left to make a positive and meaningful difference in whatever way we choose. The fun part is we get to choose how to make an impact- to focus on the internal and giving as you stated.

    Reply
    • Gary says:

      Hey, Reid Stone. Great to hear from you – thanks for your comments and for reposting this on LinkedIn. Hope you are well. Keep making a difference, my friend. You are on the right track. e

      Reply
  4. Caroline Francis says:

    Gary, your newsletter is always the email highlight of my week! I so appreciate your down-to-earth look at reality while also conveying practice strategies for living a fuller, healthier life. You inspire me to make my “back nine” the best yet! Which reminds me…I need to dust off my clubs that went to the garage storage area when my kids were little.

    Reply
    • Gary says:

      Thanks, Caroline, for the very kind comments. For sure, drag out those clubs. It will do wonders in increasing your stress level!! Take it from a golfing imposter. Also, thanks for the heads-up on the passing of Helen Harkness. She leaves a great footprint. Stay in touch.

      Reply
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