“R” Words Are Important – Here’s Five That We Need For Our “Second-half”

In June 2018, I posted a blog that became one of my more popular posts. It’s entitled “Your Second Half Should Be Filled With These Four-letter Words” – click on it and become enlightened (How’s that for a dose of arrogance?)

It even became one of the more popular blogs on Next Avenue for several weeks.

Ah, the power of words. Words have meaning. They count. We often treat them too lightly and fail to acknowledge the damage they can do if the wrong ones become a part of our continuous self-talk.

Lately, I’m conscious of a lot of “R” words in my world of reading, study, webinars, Zoom sessions, etc.

The most common, as you’d expect,  is RETIREMENT. One, because that’s a world I’ve immersed myself in – as in, don’t, or at least rethink or redefine it (see, there are those “R” words again). Second, because retirement remains one of the most prevalent words embedded in the middle brain of members of our western culture. As illogical and irrational as it is, it stays firmly entrenched in our psyche.

It occurred to this scattered brain that it might be helpful if we took a look at some of the “R” words I see a lot and position them relative to their merit or lack thereof.

So, here goes. One man’s opinion of five “R” words we should incorporate as we move through the second half of life.

Five “R” Words We Need In Our Life

Resilience – “the ability to recover quickly from setbacks”

  • A trait of healthy centenarians is their ability to not only overcome trauma and travails but actually thrive and find gratitude in the midst of adversity and expect a better future following it. In the words of neuropsychologist Dr. Mario Martinez who has done extensive global research on centenarians: “Despite the initial physical and emotional pain of trauma, they maintain a sense of humor and hope for recovery.  More important, their positive expectations enable them to learn from the negative experience.” I take from all this that being a “cultural outlier” with a “centenarian consciousness” can position us to compress our morbidity, delay our terminal frailty and thus live a longer, healthier and happier life while saving our society billions in late-life healthcare costs. The tough part is to shake off the cultural expectations and be an outlier.  It takes some thick skin and a strong self-image.

Reintegrate – “recombining parts that work together well”

  • I was tempted to suggest reinvent instead of reintegrate because reinvent is so omnipresent these days, especially in the self-help world and particularly when it comes to those of us in the second half of life. I’m rolling with reintegrate after considering the position taken on this by Marc Freedman, CEO and President of Encore.org and one of the nation’s leading experts on the longevity revolution. In a Harvard Business Review article “The Dangerous Myth of Reinvention”   Freedman makes the point that reinvention is too daunting and not practical because it infers discarding accumulated life experience and starting over from scratch. He writes:

“Isn’t there something to be said for racking up decades of know-how and lessons, from failures as well as triumphs? Shouldn’t we aspire to build on that wisdom and understanding?

After years studying social innovators in the second half of life — individuals who have done their greatest work after 50 —I’m convinced the most powerful pattern that emerges from their stories can be described as reintegration, not reinvention. These successful late-blooming entrepreneurs weave together accumulated knowledge with creativity, while balancing continuity with change, in crafting a new idea that’s almost always deeply rooted in earlier chapters and activities.”

Routine – “something unvarying and repetitive”

  • Lots of research on this. Certain repetitive actions benefit our physical health (such as regular exercise, meditation, nightly flossing), but they can also improve our mental health by reducing our stress levels. In the work world, there was an element of routine ( get up, shower, dress, eat, commute, work, etc., etc.). One of the downsides of retirement is that structure and routine can be too flexible and mundane.

Relevance – ” having some sensible or logical connection with something else”

  • It’s my scary guess that a large number of us get up in the morning and go to bed at night without being necessary or relevant at all. If so, why live? One of my favorite wisdom sources on the aging process is Dr. Walter Bortz, retired Stanford geriatric physician who, in his book “Dare To Be 100” advises us to “be necessary.” He points out it doesn’t have to be an elite role. Being older and having the gifts of experience to offer makes it easier to be necessary or relevant to someone or something. His tough but sage advice is clear:

“When we stop mattering in this world, our continued consumption of resources becomes senseless.”

Renewal/Rejuvenation – “to restore something to make it more vigorous, dynamic, and effective”

  • Writer and coach Steve Chandler, in his book “17 Lies That Are Holding You Back & The Truth That Will Set You Free” offers this insight on renewal as we age:

“It’s not your age that determines what you can learn, it’s your energy. Your energy does not depend on your age, it depends on your sense of purpose. It comes from a self-generated sense of necessity. What needs to be done?”

It occurred to me that maybe we should consider some “R” words that we can do without. Here’s a list that immediately came to mind.

Retirement – as in the traditional, self-indulgent, leisure-based, beaches, bungalows, bridge, bingo, and bocce-ball type. It’s dying – none too soon.

Resistance  – to change. To not change is to die.

Regrets – letting our past remain bigger than our future.

Rigidity –“that’s the way it’s always been; it’s the way I’ve always done it.”

Remorse – continued growth has no room for self-condemnation.

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Post COVID, Can We “Be Better Than Before?” Yes! Here’s How.

Last week was an interesting and somewhat grueling week for me, attending back-to-back, multi-day virtual conferences for two separate organizations I’m affiliated with. These were high-level conferences that one would normally fly to and pay dearly for hotel, meals, et. al.

Both were amazingly effective – the technology, with a few minor hiccups, worked amazingly well considering there were around 200 attending one and over 80 attending the other.

This is not news that a resort hotel wants to hear. Or the airlines. Or the liquor industry. Or the – well, you get the point.

Perhaps my biggest take away was that I experienced a better learning experience as a result of this being virtual than if it were across the country in a (typically) frigid hotel ballroom. The individual sessions were recorded and made available for further review. The participants provided .pdf’s of their presentations. In all, an opportunity to take the learning deeper than being live.

The obvious downside is the diminished ability to develop relationships with other attendees, although we did the best we could with “breakout rooms” the conferencing technologies provide.

The conference attendees were resume writers, LinkedIn strategists, coaches of all sorts, writers, wellness practitioners – a mix of folks dedicated to providing some level of service to others, all with the same thing on their minds:

Where is COVID taking us?

In the end, I believe everyone came away, at worst, neutral about what the COVID impact will be. Many, including myself, came away still enthused, encouraged, and unchanged in our commitment to get better at our craft, whatever that may be.

COVID doesn’t mean we can’t be “better than before.”

I want to share one little snippet of content from one of the conferences that I hope will be helpful and encouraging for you. It came from a young lady, half my age, who is a Master Certified Coach with a Master of Positive Psychology degree. She runs a very successful coaching business at The Flourishing Center.

Her name is Emiliya Zhivotovskaya, henceforth just Emiliya for obvious reasons.

Dealing with VUCA.

Trained in the powerful principles of Positive Psychology, Emiliya provided a “container” or a “framework” into which we can put what we are experiencing along with the suggestion that having this framework can help us move forward.

The container is V-U-C-A:

Volatility – Uncertainty – Complexity – Ambiguity

This is the first exposure I had to VUCA and it made a great deal of sense, not just for COVID, but for the changing world we are trying to negotiate.

The concept of VUCA goes back to 1987 with military origins as a strategy for operating in the cold war environment. It was later adopted by business and continues as a framework today.

Emiliya used VUCA to illustrate the need for resilience, for the ability to overcome the challenges we face as the pace of change accelerates and our world becomes increasingly unpredictable.

We weren’t born with it.

Resilience isn’t natural – it’s a mindset, a learned skill. Generally, most of us do pretty well with our resilience, but these are times calling for even more.

The field of Positive Psychology – and Emiliya – teaches that there are three internal skills that can help us get to resilience and beyond:

Purpose – Presence – Positivity

There is much talk these days about “finding your purpose.” What Emiliya revealed is that purpose without meaning is equivalent to “wheel spinning.”

The two are strongly correlated and important but very different.

In simple terms, meaning is the “why” of life. It is in her words:

“the subjective experience of feeling that life fits into a larger context and has significance; it connotes a sense of comprehension and that life, as a whole, makes sense. 

On the other hand, purpose is the “what’s next” of life:

“an overall sense of goals and direction in life and has to do with directionality.”

This may sound a little “woo-woo” and new age, but it isn’t – it’s backed by substantial research.

I don’t want to take this into the weeds, so let me summarize just as Emiliya did. I think there is substantial fodder for some serious deep thinking surrounding this for all of us as we continue to look VUCA in the eye.

  • Meaning is what makes us resilient.
  • Purpose, once we are at baseline (i.e. with meaning), is that thing that makes us grow and flourish.
  • Meaning is about comprehension e.g. “I can get my head around my life.”
  • Purpose is about action e.g. “I know what I am about and how I can make an impact in the world.”

Before we can get to purpose, we need to get to resilience through meaning, answering the questions “why is this happening?”; “where am I?”; “where do I want to be?” That’s the baseline – then we can move to purpose and set goals.

Learning presence.

With a sense of meaning and purpose, the next important skill is being present, being “in the moment.” We’ve all heard how important it is – and if we’ve tried it, we’ve discovered how it seems nearly impossible. Emiliya reminded us why.

We are equipped with a “meaning-making brain” which, left to its devices, will be ruminating about the past or the future. It goes into the past to comprehend the future. When COVID or other disruptions hit, that “meaning-making brain” goes into overdrive reaching forward and backward trying to figure it all out. Being in the present moment can be a very frustrating experiment.

Mindfulness, or surrendering to the present moment, however, is an important internal skill that VUCA forces us into. It’s a superpower that narrows the gap between stimulus and response.

It’s an important component worthy of attention – be it through meditation or prayer or whatever device works best for you to get there. Without some way to be in the present, we face struggles brought on by being caught up in future-thinking and past-thinking and will likely experience knee-jerk responses to things going on around us.

Adopt positivity

Emotions impact us differently but this much we know from positive psychology research:

  1. When we are in a positive emotional state, we tend to be more “broadened” in the way we think about things, how we come up with ideas, how we notice more good things around us. Positive emotions create upward spirals.
  2. When we are in a negative emotional space, we tend to be more narrowed and more focused. Fear and pain narrow and focus us. Negative emotions create downward spirals.

As we face COVID and future VUCA, we should strive to broaden and build and get into a more positive state where we can be more creative.

I was reminded this week in my reading that order exists in all chaos. Order will return. What it looks like is hard to say, but resilience is how we prepare.

 

Thanks to Emiliya for this awakening. Please take the time to check out her website at https://theflourishingcenter.com/. She has great resources. We’d love to hear your thoughts about this as well.  Leave us a comment below or email me at gary@makeagingwork.com.

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How Would You Answer the Question: “What Does It Feel Like To Get Old?”

 

Someone asked me online recently how I felt about getting old. While I was tempted to launch into another of my characteristic snarky-style responses, I exercised uncharacteristic self-control and provided the following:

At 78, I guess I qualify for the “old” category.

Occasionally, there are days when I wish it weren’t so but I settled into being “the oldest in the room in most situations” some time ago.

I actually kind of relish it these days – to try to emulate what “old” doesn’t have to be i.e. the grumpy, immobile, smelly ol’ fart most people think of when they think of someone my age. Like this:

I strive to be the opposite – because I can.

Make getting old a game!

As I reflect on it, I realize I’ve turned it into sort of a “game” – a rather high-stakes game in some regards.

I know that I am going to “get” old. But that doesn’t mean that I have to “grow” old. I’ve learned that I have considerable control over the pace and the way that I age.

In my 50s, I began to realize that I was often being acknowledged as “younger than my age” because of my physical appearance and the types of activities that I was involved in. The appearance was assisted with a bit of genetics (full head of brown hair, even today) and a slender build but it was mostly about what I was doing to maintain that appearance.

When I came to my senses at age 37 and quit smoking (an 18 year trip of insanity), I became a “gym rat” and active exerciser, starting off doing long-distance running. In 1987, at age 45, I joined a new athletic club and got back into one of my favorite activities – basketball. But I also began to get active in the club’s weight room, doing aggressive free weight work in addition to the basketball.

I played basketball 5–6 days a week until age 63 when my left knee (and my ortho doc) said no more. For years, I was always the oldest player on the court.

Since I’m now not supposed to run or jump and should not have both feet off the ground at the same time, I’m relegated to an elliptical, treadmill, and upright bike.

Boring? Big time!!

My strength-training continues. Boring also.

That’s why I make it a game. Because I realize the stakes if I choose not to play the game.

For decades now, I have held to an exercise regimen of six days of 45–60 minutes of aerobic each week and 3 days of 30–40 minutes of strength-training, still mostly free-weights.

It’s built into my lifestyle and the driver is the realization that not much else matters if I don’t feel well.

The other parts of the “game” are a largely plant-based diet and being a constant learner.

Are beans, carrots, and almonds boring? Yes – but then so is six months recovering from a triple bypass.

I try to learn something new every day and have read over 700 books over the last 15 years.

I have no illusions about the possibility that something can come along and take me out in a heartbeat. But I’m learning that carrying regrets from the past and fears of the future are horrible use of the imagination and I’m getting better every day at “seizing the day” and living in the moment. Because it’s all I’ve got. I think that attitude is affecting how I age.

It sounds nutty, but I’ve set the mental goal of living to 112 1/2. I set that at age 75 because I wanted to have 1/3 of my life left to make up for what I didn’t get done in the first 2/3.

Candidly, that will happen when you can buy snowcones in hell.

But I feel that setting the target will allow me to come a lot closer to the century mark than if I simply accept that I will live to the average American lifespan – which is 78.9 for men which means that I will be out of here around Christmas.

All this is to say that, with regard to age, I choose to be a total outlier. I ache mentally when I see people I know that are my age or younger that are stooped, arthritic, in pain, suffering from chronic debilitating diseases as a result of previous and ongoing bad lifestyle decisions.

With regard to aging, I subscribe to Gandhi’s famous saying (paraphrased): “Be the change you want to see in others.”

I’ve learned that I can’t talk people into doing what is right for their health or successful aging. They are going to do what they are going to do – and as a culture, we face tremendous challenges in preserving and extending our good health and longevity. A broken “cure-based” healthcare system, food industry that doesn’t give a rip about our health, and a general cultural attitude oriented toward seeking comfort and instant gratification all take way too many of us to premature aging, extended morbidity, and early frailty.

I just choose to not be part of it – and hopefully, change a lifestyle or two with my example.

Here are a few previous articles that provide a perspective on the above.

Aging Without Frailty – A Series

Extend Your Healthy Longevity – Twelve Things That May Be Accelerating Your Aging – A Three-part Series.

The last point I want to make about my aging is that I’ve reached a stage where I can’t wait to get up in the morning and do what I do (here’s a link to my LinkedIn profile which will provide you a quick view of what I do). This only came after a long period of self-discovery through my 60s where I finally acknowledged what I was really wired up to do but that I had avoided with my 35-year investment in the corporate world.

With this deep self-discovery, I have more energy and drive than at any other stage of my life. It’s one of the reasons that I am not an advocate of traditional retirement as we know it in the U.S. because it takes us in the wrong direction relative to how our natural biology works. Meaningful, purposeful work mixed with leisure and continued learning is a magic combination that takes my mind off my age and, I believe, will bode well for me getting closer to that 112 1/2 than most people believe I can.

So, all that said, the bottom line is that I feel good in this aging game that I’m playing and having the time of my life. And hoping to bring some others with me.

How would you answer the question? I’m really curious – share your thoughts with a comment below or email me your thoughts at gary@makeagingwork.com.

Don’t Be a “Get Off My Lawn” Elder!

If you are at mid-life or beyond and reading this, do yourself (and me) a favor and spend 34 minutes, 23 seconds and watch this video.

Marc Middleton (on the left) is CEO of Growing Bolder which is described as ” –  a team of award-winning journalists, broadcasters and creatives all focused on sharing the inspirational stories of ordinary people living extraordinary lives — men and women who are redefining the possibilities of life after 50.”

I’ve followed G-B for a few years and feel they are doing wonderful things. There’s much to be gained and nothing to lose by subscribing and becoming a “Growing Bolder Insider.”

In keeping with Marc’s commitment to addressing the issues surrounding ageism and “growing older but bolder,” he has produced this interview with what many consider he ultimate authority” on aging, Dr. Ken Dychtwald. founder and CEO of AgeWave and author of 17 books on aging.

I will confess to having been heavily influenced by Dr. Dychtwald’s research, writings, and public presentations.

This video brings Dr. Dychtwald to us as truly “one of us” as he has just turned 70.

I won’t steal any of the thunder from this interview except to say it speaks positively to the opportunity that we have, as folks aging into our second half/third age. to address ageism and contribute mightily to influencing where our culture and society are going.

Please click on the link to the video below the picture and absorb some of the content offered by two of the most influential “third-agers” available to us.

 

 

Click here to watch the video.