Please Don’t Ask Me How Old I Am. You Won’t Like My Answer.

A member of a golf foursome I found myself in recently asked me on the third tee box how old I was. I don’t recall what spawned the question – perhaps the dismal state of my golf game as demonstrated on the first two holes.

I gave him my standard answer to the question:

“I’m on my next-to-last mattress.”

His was a predictable response – raised eyebrow, cocked head, and a chuckle once the thought got processed.

I use this response to the question less for an attempt to be clever but more to be true to a disdain for the automatic slot that a person’s version of age is likely to place me when they hear the number.

My age doesn’t define me.

If pressed, I’ll reveal the number, but prefer to let that thought lie and simmer.

Somedays I regret knowing my birthdate.

Black baseball legend Satchel Paige is often credited with saying: “How old would you be if you didn’t how old you were?”

That question came to life when I read a guest post on Chip Conley’s “Wisdom Well” daily blog written by Mhaire, (read the article here) a fraternal twin who, with her brother, was surrendered to an orphanage at a toddler age with no paperwork. They were tall for their age, leaving it anyone’s guess as to their age. Their progression through orphanages, a “rotating roster of caretakers”, and eventual connection with relatives carried with it an obligatory, but fabricated, birth certificate that was a decade or more wrong.

It’s hard to imagine, isn’t it, what that would be like for us with our fetish for numbers, categorization, and life portals.

I’m changing it up.

After reading Mhaire’s post, I may move my response from “clever” to “weird, strange, esoteric” and further confirm the suspicion that I was dropped on my head as a child.

Ask me how old I am today, and I’m gonna say:

“I am today.”

OK, maybe not. I’m already too good at finding ways to dissolve relationships. Maybe the mattress gig is adequate for now.

But, I’m guessing you see my point. If not, let Mhaire help make it for me with these excerpts from her post (the bolding is mine):

“The point is that other people’s versions of age do not matter. And I am not the only person in the world who does not know their birthday. Many people don’t. Especially those of us from orphanages, or who have been through wars as children, those who lost their parents, or even cultures who identify age differently than the Gregorian calendar.

In American society, age seems to be something to negotiate (age gracefully) or commodify (buy this to fight aging), or to use as a weapon (you are older than me). We have a whole body of writings and research to argue against the idea of an elder as a bad thing (which frankly I agree with whole heartedly.  Elders are to be celebrated, regardless of chronology). 

Others place their definitions of where I am in their version of age to help them understand where I might be. Living in the present is what I do, because age is the thing that defines the future and the past, yet it doesn’t define me. There has never been a way to do so. Not because I don’t let it, but because it never has.

I suspect I am better off.”

Time travel sucks!

“You and I are standing this very second at the meeting place of two eternities: the vast past that has endured forever, and the future that is plunging on to the last syllable of recorded time.  We can’t possibly live in either of these two eternities – no, not even for a split second.  But by trying to do so, we can wreck both our bodies and our minds.”  Dale Carnegie

Old Dale got it – time travel does suck.

I’ve written a lot about the dangers of mental “time travel”  i.e. back into the regrets of the past and the fears of the future versus the life-enhancing qualities of being able to live in the present moment.

I wonder if not knowing my birthdate would make the avoidance of time travel easier. It seemed to help Mhaire.

I’m getting better at staying encapsulated in today. But, even with the realization that today is all that I have, it’s still difficult to avoid that time-travel track and stay in line with my life purpose.

One thing is certain. If I’m preoccupied with my number and what my culture says it means, I’m gonna be sucked back into the past or shot forward into the future where fear remains the main resident.

Author and podcaster, James Altucher, puts it this way:

“Regret steals joy from the past, anxiety steals opportunity from the future. Both steal energy from the present. Anxiety is the opposite of self-care.”
If you and I should happen to meet personally and you ask my age, you’ll understand if I respond with a weird, flippant answer.

It’s all in the interest of protecting my self-care.

If Career Defined You, How Do You Find Fulfillment in Retirement?

There’s a bigger question.

If your career is fulfilling, why would you retire?

Ask Warren Buffett or William Shatner or any of a long list of creative people who find fulfillment in their careers, don’t retire, and will only hang it up when the body/mind hangs it up.

Or consider George Burns who worked until he was 100 and said:

  • Retire? I’m going to stay in show business until I’m the only one left.
  • People are always asking me when I’m going to retire. Why should I? I’ve got it two ways — I’m still making movies, and I’m a senior citizen, so I can see myself at half-price.
  • How can I die? I’m booked.

Unfortunately, most people won’t have total control of their career situation, having chosen to work for someone. There’s where the challenge lies.

The transition into retirement is one of the major disruptors in life, often with unforeseen problems. The respected Holmes and Rahe stress scale determined that retirement is #10 out of the top 43 stressors in life.

Take a peek at the nine that are ahead of it:

  1. Death of spouse (100)
  2. Divorce (73)
  3. Marital separation (65)
  4. Jail term (63)
  5. Death of close family member (63)
  6. Personal injury or illness (53)
  7. Marriage (50)
  8. Fired at work (47)
  9. Marital reconciliation (45)
  10. Retirement (45)

Research has confirmed that lack of fulfillment together with feelings of irrelevance and the loss of identity are common among retirees. It’s a direct result of drifting into retirement without a non-financial plan that would address the mental, physical, social, and spiritual side of retirement.

Smart retirees are starting their retirement planning 5–10 years ahead of the projected retirement date with an eye toward building in something that will replace the fulfillment they experienced during their careers.

That’s a very individual process. Some find it in volunteering. Some start businesses. Some mentor and counsel. Some find very fulfilling hobbies.

In keeping with our human nature, it appears that whatever it is, fulfillment will come from avoiding a self-indulgent, leisure-based retirement and having an element of giving back or bringing some level of value to the world.

Happy in your retirement? Tell us how you’ve made it work for you. We’d love to hear from you. Leave a comment below.

Does Age Matter? Yeah, But We’re Overplaying It!

The inevitable seems to be consuming us!

Maybe it’s just me. Have you noticed how massive the parade has become of folks commenting on, conjecturing about, agonizing over, second-guessing, fixing, denying, snake-oiling, and profiteering from the concept of aging?

We “modern elders” are kicking up quite a fuss about this irreversible phenomenon.

It’s understandable. The youngest baby boomer hits 58 this year and the oldest is looking a ninth decade in the eye. And that’s a group that has never been known for being all that quiet and complacent. 

What’s it all about, Alfie?

Is all this commotion about aging an anxiety-based “gnashing of teeth  and ripping of robes?” Or is it an objective view of the inevitable with a touch of positivity? 

It’s kinda my space so I read a lot of this stuff and consider it a bit of both i.e. mostly anxiety-based objectivity. 

We’re smart enough to appreciate the inevitable nature of it i.e. objectivity. But we can tend to be a bit naive about the extent to which we can alter the course of it. 

OK – I know. I’m a poster child for altering the course of it with my goal of reaching 112 1/2. 

But, I get a bit riled up with all the anti-aging and age-reversal stuff flying around the net – magic creams, untested supplements, tantalizing and unfounded hints by microbiologists that we are on the verge of finding the magic to reverse aging. Especially considering that there is a better than even chance that those most desirous of an anti-aging or reversal formula spend an inordinate amount of their income at fast-food restaurants and much of their time being one with a voice-activated remote. 

Ashton nailed it!

That’s why I appreciated a recent article by Ashton Applewhite published on Medium.com and on the Neo.life website. (Here’s a link to the Medium post).

Gotta love the headline:

I Hope I Get Old Before I Die

You may already know Ashton. She’s a prolific writer, author of the best-selling book “This Chair Rocks: A Manifesto Against Ageism” and a leading spokesperson for the emerging movement to raise awareness of ageism and to dismantle it.

I encourage you to read the article as she puts a balanced spin on aging with more of a positive flavor than most of what you will read.

I’ll entice you with this excerpt (the bolding is mine):

Goal #1: longer lives

“Aging isn’t something debilitating that bushwhacks us somewhere north of mid-life. Aging is living and living means aging. Nor is aging a disease; otherwise life, too, would be a disease. As British journalist Anne Karpf put it to NPR’s Brian Lehrer, “You can no more be anti-aging than anti-breathing.” Part of the distinction is semantic: make the target “age-related functional decline,” not “aging.” The “root cause of aging” is the passage of time, not cell senescence. At the end of all that living, we die. If the goal is to prevent death, whether by freezing ourselves in cryonic vats or by achieving what scientist Aubrey de Grey calls “longevity escape velocity,” let’s describe it accurately: not anti-aging but anti-dying.”

Can’t we all relate to “age-related functional decline?”

I like that better than saying I’m getting old. 

 

What Is a Middle-age Crisis? Had Yours Yet?

 

 

The concept of a “crisis” at mid-life is talked about a lot.

IMHO, it’s highly overplayed. Few of us experience a true crisis. It’s really more of a catharsis that we go through, usually starting at that point where the ego begins to move aside and the need to continue to accumulate, strive for title or prestige, and meet artificial cultural expectations begins to fade.

It can be a point in which the individual comes to grips with the fact that earlier life decisions have placed them into something outside of their true nature or essence.

Often, it’s the realization that continuing on the ego-dominated track seems pointless, or certainly not fulfilling, in the long run.

The caricature of the red convertible, trophy wife, and bling is rarely the true manifestation of a middle-age crisis. It will tend to be more of a phase of deep and often uncomfortable internal turmoil and reflection, with questions like:

  1. Is this all there is?
  2. Does anyone know I’m here or really care? (P.S. – they don’t.)
  3. Am I doing anything that will succeed me? How do I leave a footprint when I’m gone? Do I still have time?
  4. Why do I feel so empty in what I do?

The classic for me, as I finally acknowledged a catharsis in my mid-50s, was this:

  1. Is it true that the number of people who will attend my funeral will be largely determined by the weather?

OUCH!

For many, this midlife catharsis represents a significant turning point that leads to a life that is more fulfilling and purposeful. For others, the potential for this turning point is missed, the cathartic questions ignored, the ego kept in control, and an opportunity wasted.

The career is where the catharsis and the tough questions are most likely to emerge. Most career decisions are made to satisfy the ego and the need to accumulate, compare favorably, and meet cultural expectations.

It’s a fortunate soul who comes to the realization that their career choice is misaligned with their deepest talents and true essence and then able to emerge from this catharsis doing something that aligns with that essence.

I’m a poster child –

-for mishandling a catharsis.

I acknowledged, by my mid-50s, that corporate life had been a mismatch for me all along, although I was almost three decades into it.

I decided to disengage and do my own thing at age 60, a time when many are choosing which pasture they want to head for.

My own thing didn’t flourish. It was done for the wrong reasons – to make more money and gain control of my time.

Ego driven.

It failed to consider the misalignment with the way my creator wired me up, with the things that were natural, comfortable, and easy for me.

I was continuing to try to fit the proverbial square peg in the round hole.

A second catharsis.

It took me until my 70s to fully unfold the earlier catharsis and realize and act on my true essence and innate talents.

I was a teacher, a learner, a deep introvert, an iconoclast with a “terrifying longing” to write or speak to the unordinary.

Although quite late, I consider myself fortunate to know where I should be and what I should be doing by honoring my essence. And that I have something that I can finish out with and perhaps even leave a faint footprint.

I’ve adopted a mantra from one of my heroes, Dr. Ken Dychtwald, author and expert on aging and founder of the AgeWave organization, who lives by this simple phrase:

Breathe – Learn – Teach – Repeat

It’s a fit and the result of catharses, not a crisis.

Did you have one? Having one now? If you did, how did your middle age crisis/catharsis play out? Love to hear from you on this one. Leave a comment or email me at gary@makeagingwork.com.

P.S. I apologize for my two-week absence (the first time in 5 years). My hosting service chose to do maintenance on my site on 9/19 and proceeded to take down the site along with access to my WordPress. It took them until last week to sort it out.