I’m On My Next-to-Last Mattress – How ’bout You?
In 2019, we moved from our golf-course home of 19 years to a smaller home, deciding to rent for a while. It became a major purging event, including getting rid of our saggy 20-year-old Sleep Comfort mattress. I believe the mattress we slept on before that one lasted about 15+ years.
The other day, I completed the “Living to 100 Life Expectancy Calculator” that was developed years ago by Dr. Thomas Perls, MD. It’s a pretty “cool tool” and it’s free. Click on the link above and your there. It asks 40 questions, takes about 10 minutes to complete, and in a matter of minutes returns a prediction of how long you will live based on the information you provide. I recall stumbling across it and completing the questionnaire a few years ago but couldn’t recall how I had scored.
Dr. Perls is no slouch. He’s a professor of Medicine and Geriatrics at the Boston University School of Medicine and is a geriatrician at Boston Medical Center. He also is among the international leaders in the field of human exceptional longevity and the founder and director of the New England Centenarian Study, the largest study of centenarians and their families in the world.
I’m pretty sure I took the calculator before I went public with my hare-brained goal of living to 112 1/2 so I decided to take it again. Not surprisingly, I came up 17 years short of that number with a prediction that I’ve got 17 years left to get to the endpoint of 95 that the calculator predicted. Considering that 112 1/2 is classified as “super-centenarian” terrain and that there are less than a thousand of them worldwide, I guess I shouldn’t expect it to come real close to my goal.
Oh, yes – about the mattress.
I’m now using this as my answer when someone asks my age:
“I’m on my next-to-last mattress.”
The facial expressions are worth the risk of being permanently cast as deranged.
But, wait, Dr. Perl’s tool says I’m on my last mattress.
I refuse to accept it. There’s that denial thing again.
On one hand, I guess I could take some pride in being told I’ll beat the average lifespan for the American male (78.9) by 20%. But that’s not good enough.
I’m holding out for at least 100 which would validate my insolent response. That makes the current mattress my “next-to-last.”
Dr. Perl’s calculator sends a report with a list of suggested lifestyle changes that may help you beat its prediction. (No, choosing healthy parents and grandparents isn’t one of them – he’s serious).
My list of recommendations was pretty short and included a few things that don’t fit for me. Such as:
- Try to work fewer hours. The tool doesn’t understand that when you are pretty much a hermit and work and play mostly intersect, a 60 hour week isn’t a threat. His recommendation speaks to the fact that most people don’t like what they do and do it too much and too long for the wrong reasons.
- Less caffeine. Really? I believe that coffee-as-a-problem has been solidly debunked. Coffee and I are one until noon at least.
- More dairy to fight osteoporosis. NOT! I don’t do dairy and get enough calcium elsewhere.
Try the quiz. There may be a pearl or two in the suggestions that come back with the report. On the other hand, if you are in the large majority that considers the idea of living to 100 as repugnant, maybe just stick with Netflix or Facebook. This won’t light you up.
I’d love to hear how you respond when someone asks your age (NOTE: the mattress response does not work well at the DMV). Who out there has the most creative non-number response? Leave us a note below with your creative (insolent) response.
Dear, Brother Gare –
I awakened to this post, laughing aloud! It was such a catchy subject and clever headline. And yet, I can’t entirely agree that shooting for the moon, ‘living for 100’ is my ideal twilight: no diapers, no memory loss, no dependence for me and my mindset. I’ll take a nice 85 with faculties intact. I can say this with the certainty of faith and knowing that my spirit will live forever in heaven. It’s called a Christian Worldview. Until we are restored to our earthly garden and this messy Earth gets straightened up, we live and wait to die. I’m fine with that, and living is pretty exciting, too.
Meanwhile, we are enjoying our new mattress, which had a ten-year warranty, six of which we already consumed. Hang onto that other mattress, and not just for the few-and-far-between guest visits. It’s a godsend for a ‘sick room,’ or for those who may suffer from snoring.
Write on!
Well Gary, I took the test and it produced roughly the same End-Of-Job (as we used to punch on the last card in the deck) number as your test did. I believe the good Dr. forgot the final question: “Are you as stubborn as a goat?” The “Yes” answer from either of us would have added another 20 years! 😃
My age result was 93. I’m pretty happy with that although I’d love to live to a hundred. The past 20 years have been a little hard for me so I dream to live a life more aligned with my likes rather than dislikes, one day. When people ask my age I just tell them the actual number-sorry for being boring! How can people still do that btw? Whenever it happens I feel a little sorry for the person who asked the question. In the Information Age-and being already an adult- how did she/he get to that point in life without minimal common sense/manners/etiquette? Gary, your articles are amazing. How could you possibly think of writing about mattresses as lifespan time indicators? Brilliant. You made it very pertinent to the topic of longevity. Clap, clap, clap.
Hi there! This post couldn’t be written any better! Reading through this post reminds me of my previous room mate! He always kept talking about this. I will forward this article to him. Pretty sure he will have a good read. Thank you for sharing!
Just a smiling visitor here to share the love (:, btw great design and style.