Are You Inviting the “Pity” of Younger People?

“Worrying about getting old makes us old. Being terrified of aging ages us perhaps more swiftly than anything. Research shows time and time again that our attitudes about how we age have a huge influence on how we age. When we constantly complain about how old we feel, how decrepit we are, we bring those truths into being. We stoop, slow down, give up, and talk ourselves into an early grave.”

That’s a quote from a recent article written by Julia Hubbell, a prolific and talented writer and 68-year-old self-proclaimed “bad-a**” who lives life continuously messing around at, or just beyond, the far edges of her mental and physical comfort zone.  I’ve followed her on Medium.com for a couple of years, from when she was a fellow Coloradoan to now as she’s “escaped” to Oregon.

I guess I enjoy her edgy writing style because she doesn’t suffer fools, sorts out truth better than most people I know, and isn’t afraid to deliver a gut punch.

Hence, this article caught my eye: Terrified of Deteriorating and Dying Young? How to Avoid Early-Onset Elderly

How does the word “pity” resonate with you?

Julia references a study of Princeton students that found that “the students, by and large, clung to common stereotypes about the elderly, most notably those pertaining to the elderly being incompetent and less ambitious. Although their findings were mixed in regard to general discrimination and prejudice toward the elderly (e.g., both positive and negative feelings were present), they found that although most students felt a sense of warmth toward the elderly the most common sentiment involved feelings of pity toward them.“

Sorry, but I don’t think “sense of warmth” is an adequate offset to pity.

Pity gets my 80-year old hackles up!

Just don’t, please.

Why didn’t I think of that?

I don’t know if Julia originated the term “early-onset elderly” (I’ll give her credit for it) but I’m stealing it. Writers do that a lot.

It’s a perfect description of a self-inflicted condition that is still way too prevalent in our culture.

We of advancing age are often guilty of bringing on the ageism we are so quick to condemn.

We can point at our youth-oriented society, media, advertising agencies, the entertainment industry, and legitimately claim that we’re up against formidable forces to gain respect. But we mustn’t forget that when we point, we have three digits pointed back at us.

Given that, then what are three things that we overlook that contribute to making it easy for our youngers to drag out the pitying attitude.

1. Our physical appearance.

There’s nothing that says “geezer” or “biddy” more clearly than bad clothes hanging on a body that has been allowed to deteriorate.  And nothing sets one apart amongst our demographic better than a fit body appropriately attired with clothes that are properly fitted and fashionably current.

One of the physical traits that become prevalent as we age is poor posture.  Our age group tends to become “commas” instead of “exclamation points.”  Stooped shoulders, slouching – traits that belay our age.  But these are traits that are addressable.

We weren’t born with poor posture – we’ve trained ourselves into it.  And we have to work hard to get our good posture back.

Dr. Walter Bortz, in his book “Dare To Be 100” puts it into a good perspective:

“Some of the bad news about aging derives simply from the way many older people look. They look bent and spent. Their posture seems to tell the story of their lives, as drooping slowly to the grave. Or course, almost all of this is preventable, and much of it is reversible.  The dowager hump comes from decades of conceding to gravity – and just plain laziness.  You have to work hard to have good posture.”

2. Our isolation and failure to engage.

We don’t disengage because we are old. We become old because we disengage.

Fifty years ago, disengagement was the dominant theory of the psychology of aging. Aging people were expected to loosen their bonds with society, falling away from the environment and the environment falling away from them.

Retirement and other social cues and institutional practices still come into play that pull us away from engagement with those younger. We isolate and escape to “elder warehouses” where we congregate, commiserate, and commune with only those like us, failing to engage those younger.

Younger people aren’t going to seek us ought. It’s on us to be proactive in engaging younger people, share our wisdom, listen to their concerns, and learn from them.

3. Our rigid thinking.

Are we listening to the concerns that the 2-3 generations behind us are expressing? Do we demonstrate “I’ve got mine, so don’t bother me with your whining about climate change, planet destruction, income inequality, unaffordable housing, et.al.?

We pre-boomer, boomers, early GenXers have been pretty harsh on the late GenXer, millennials, Gen Y’s.

It’s time we listen and be open-minded.