“Suicide By Lifestyle.” Can We Get Any Better At This Art Form in America? Yes- Here Are Five Suggestions.
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Suicide by lifestyle.
Now there’s a term that seems appropriate for today’s America considering our lifespan is receding and our healthspan tends to be pretty stinky relative to its potential.
I couldn’t ignore the phrase when I came across it in a new book I’ve just started – “The Body: A Guide for Occupants” by Bill Bryson. (Paid link).
I wish I had coined it. But, alas I’m left with having to steal it.
You’ve probably heard of Bryson. He’s been around a while and is renowned for the extent of the research behind his writing and his incredibly creative style and ability to make huge complex topics easy and fun to read.
It takes a while –
If you’ve been following my diatribes for a while, you will understand why the phrase got my attention. Here’s how Bryson used it:
“And how do we celebrate the glory of our existence? Well, for most of us by eating maximally and exercising minimally. Think of all the junk you throw down your throat and how much of your life is spent sprawled in a near-vegetable state in front of a glowing screen. Yet in some kind and miraculous way our bodies look after us, extract nutrients from the miscellaneous foodstuffs we push into our faces, and somehow hold us together, generally at a pretty high level, for decades. Suicide by lifestyle takes ages. Even when you do nearly everything wrong, your body maintains and preserves you.”
If he’s anything, Bryson is a realist. He reminds us that 5 of 6 cigarette smokers won’t get lung cancer. Most prime heart attack candidates don’t have heart attacks. Every day, between one and five of our cells go rogue and become cancerous only to be captured and killed by our immune system. He states: “Cancer may be a common cause of death but it is not a common event in life.”
-but we’re getting better at shortening it!
Hey, we’re Americans and not inclined to settle for the status quo. So we are getting better and better each year at accelerating the suicide.
But, we could do even better.
Here are five simple tricks to supercharge this strange mission:
- Make sure that each meal comes encased in cardboard, plastic, or styrofoam, comes through the side window of your car, and has no fewer than five unpronounceable ingredients.
- Subscribe to Netflix, Disney+, Amazon Prime Video, Apple TV, Peacock, YouTube TV, Hulu, HBO Max, ESPN Plus, Starz, and do each one proud with your viewing time. (P.S. If you are over 65 and retired, the bar you need to clear is already set high – 49 hours a week on average. Be patient – it will take some effort but you can get there! A voice-activated remote is essential for this to happen.)
- Cancel your library card, give away any unread books, swim in the Fox News/CNN/MSNBC (cess)pool, and go all-in on #2. Oh, sorry, did I forget to mention adding Facebook to this mix? Good to start your day there.
- Avoid athletic clubs, never take stairs, and continue to drive the 2 blocks to the mail kiosk. Sell the rusting upright bike/treadmill/Total Gym/weight bench in the basement and reinvest in (a) wider-screen TV; (b) yard maintenance service; (c) any of those in #2 that you’ve overlooked.
- Go underground. Avoid any heavy human interaction. Keep your circle of acquaintances small and closely aligned with your ideology and theology. Avoid thoughts outside either of those bubbles.
I don’t profess to have a corner on ideas in this area. If you have some other “accelerator” ideas, drop me a note. I’ll make sure you are properly accredited.
Make sure you keep up your sugar intake so you don’t run out of energy. The average American takes in roughly 152 lbs of sugar a year. You can get it from highly processed food and sweetened drinks. While you are getting your food in boxes and styrofoam, be sure to add soda, high-calorie coffee, or any other liquid thing loaded with sugar you can find. It seems like, the more sugar the better.
Some folks are especially lucky! They are married to 300lbs. of sugar. LOL They are the healthy ones as they must do all the work around the house- keeps them healthy.
Have to be careful with number 5, though! Keeping a close knit circle of friends could backfire on this effort if they turn out to be people who are striving to improve themselves and make you grow your brain and shrink your body. They might drag you kicking and screaming to good health and personal growth. Eek! 😉
Gary you forgot the salt. Past the salt, salt everywhere on restaurants, your breakfast, lunch and dinner the leading cause of hypertension and a long list of diseases. Rarely did I hear my parents discuss a healthy or living a healthy lifestyle that probably cost my father an extra 20 years of his life and who knows maybe could have prevented my mother from Alzheimer’s in her early eighties. I have learned from my parents experience and others to live a healthy, conscious, active lifestyle. Thank you Gary.
Get up every morning and make a list of everything you don’t have, then focus on at least 3 items that you have no control of and damn them. Add a few minutes of being jealous of your neighbor and how lucky he/she is!